Prison and RJ from a harmer's perspective

Can you give me a brief background on what life was like for you before the burglary that led to you taking part in RJ?

Well, I was homeless. Like, I got on heroin on 15, so from 15 up until the burglary I was on and off drugs most of that time. I did have periods of abstinence, but it was always there, y’know. Before this prison sentence I hadn’t been to prison for 14 years and I’d only been arrested like ten years before that for common assault, so I’d done really well.

About three years ago I lost my dad and that was sudden, I didn’t know he was unwell. He used to help me financially with shortfalls in council tax, rent, things like that, so I’d got used to being helped and I hadn’t helped myself. It was nice in one way, but it wasn’t good in another because I wasn’t self-sufficient. So, when it suddenly happened, it really had an impact.

Over the next year I lost my flat. I was short on my rent. Not a lot, but each month it was adding up, and the council advised me that I’d need to go through an eviction process to get help. I did, but I hadn’t told them about my health condition so they couldn’t house me. So, from the day I left my flat I had to go and stay with the only people I knew. They were street people and being around lots of drugs every day it was easy to take part. I was already using at that point but if I didn’t have the money I didn’t care but being around it so much made me want to do more. I was still grieving and my head wasn’t right.

Eventually, the fella I was staying with said that if I didn’t contribute I’d have to leave and I was scared of being on the streets, which I hadn’t done before. With hindsight, I would have been better off if I had – I’d never done it before and I’d never want to do it again but once I was there, there were people to help. I was on the street for about a year after I committed the offence and was housed about a month before I was arrested. The police hadn’t found me before then because I didn’t have an address.

Can you tell me what happened around the offence?

Years ago I used to be a criminal and burglary was what I did, so when I needed money that was what I fell back on.

Prior to that I hadn’t committed any burglaries since I was convicted for it in 1995. When that happened, I’d admitted every one I’d done. I knew it was wrong and I wasn’t proud of it, but I was a heroin addict and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was so young when I started using. The people I was around were so much older that I didn’t stand a chance.

Apart from one silly fight one bonfire night I’d done well for years and hadn’t got in to trouble. I’ve been burgled before and know how horrible it is, but it was how the older addicts taught me to get money when I was 15. My parents would never give me money for drugs – rightly – so that was what I did for years. But after my mum killed herself my dad started helping me financially. I think he thought it was better to enable me than for me to try and get the money myself. That kept me out of trouble, but itmeant I never dealt with the root cause of it, which was the addiction. So, when I was told I couldn’t stay unless I got money, that was all that I knew to do. I went through gardens looking through windows for things to steal. I found a purse on the floor, right by the window and once I was in, I looked for other things. If anyone had been in the house, I wouldn’t have tried it.

How did you feel when you were sentenced?

I was actually pleased. About six weeks before the burglary I went to a drug charity for help, but I needed to go to several different locations each week, quite a way from where I was staying, and my emphysema made it too difficult to walk so far. Then I approached the mental health team and I actually asked to be sectioned. I didn’t want medication for my issues, even though I’ve been through a lot, I wanted a different way to cope. But I hadn’t harmed myself, so they weren’t able to help.

In the back of my mind going to prison wasn’t a bad thing because I knew I’d have two years of abstinence and get some access to help. Once I was in prison I weaned myself off methadone in six months and have had clear drugs tests all the way through.

What was it like being in prison during the pandemic?

I was kind of lucky because I’d moved to an open prison in January 2020, just before the start of the pandemic. Because of my health condition I was shielding alongside some others. It meant we didn’t have access to exercise and the grounds in the same way that the other prisoners did, but I was with fourteen other people. We stayed there as a group until October 2020 until we signed disclaimers to say we were happy to mingle with the other prisoners and take the risk of covid.

How was your mental health during that time?

It is what it is. You’ve just got to get on with it. I wasn’t particularly happy but it’s like anything: this is my reality so how can I make myself feel better while I’m here?

Did you first hear about RJ during that time?

I’d actually first heard about it from a documentary years ago. But it was while I was on remand in 2019 that someone first suggested it to me. If I’m honest, I originally said I’d do it because it looks better in court. But at the same time I’m really not proud of what I’ve done, so although there was half of me that wanted to do it for that reason, by the time it came around I’d already been sentenced and had a release date. There wasn’t any benefit to me in that respect anymore, but I still wanted to take part because it’s the right thing to do. But at first it was about saving my skin.

Did that change as you went through the process?

I had a bad childhood with my mum’s mental health issues but my parents weren’t criminals and they did teach my good morals and they’ve helped to keep me half sane. If they hadn’t, I don’t think I would’ve stood a chance. I know the lady who did it (the harmed person), her family didn’t want her to take part in it, but afterwards she said she was glad she took part. I’m thankful to her for agreeing to do it because it’s kind of given me a bit of peace. It doesn’t make up for it but it’s the only thing I could do. It gives you a bit of closure. Because of where I was at mentally, with my addiction and with needing to get money to stay where I was, I really didn’t think of the consequences before I did it. Or rather, they didn’t make a difference.

How did you feel once you’d completed your letter exchange?

I was pleased to do it because it’s all I can do although it’s not much. I’m still not happy with the fact it happened, but this (RJ) has given me some closure. I’m really pleased that I was able to do it

What would you say to anyone considering taking part in RJ?

It depends on them. If they’re in the headspace I was in 20 years ago they won’t want to do it, but you have to care about the consequences. For someone who’s changing and regrets what they did it’s a brave thing to do and it’s a great thing to do.